It’s All a Matter of Perspective…

I recently found myself in a strange situation. I unintentionally annoyed someone that I didn’t know, and I felt misunderstood. I was in a checkout line at Costco and was very distracted from the day, which presents itself as me staring off into space. Except my “space” was in the direct visual line of another person…so it appeared that I was staring… at her. I was actually staring “through” her but I’m not sure if that sounds any better in an explanation. She and I did not exchange any words but she communicated her distaste for my staring quite clearly with nonverbal communication.

I teach my students that nonverbal communication trumps verbal communication every time. (I also am realizing that you are now thinking of how this actually pertains to Trump but it’s the small “t”, so I’m using the verb and not the President in this sentence.  Just let it be.) Her communication was clear regardless of the lack of an actual verbal exchange, but I imagine had we been in close proximity, the exchange would have gone something like this:

“Why are you staring at me?” she may have asked.

“I’m not actually staring at you…I’m staring through you. I mean, you’re just in the field of my staring…into space…not at you. And not into space, like into the planets. Just like looking at nothing.  But I’m not calling YOU nothing. I’m just saying I was staring at nothing. But not you. Did I clarify that I don’t think you’re nothing?”

Yep…I don’t see that going well. It may have been better to just have the whole nonverbal ‘who are you and why are you staring at me?’ exchange. I looked away but didn’t really get a chance to apologize. If Websters ever needs a picture of “glaring” for the dictionary, I can picture one very clearly right now. Because she was doing it…quite well.

The entire exchange got me thinking about perceptions and how they shape our communication. This woman’s glaring was not unwarranted. She believed that I was staring at her. She found me to be rude. Her interpretation of the events had validity. She was just lacking the information that I’m a 54-year-old perimenopausal woman who is prone to distraction and stares at nothing. And by nothing, again, I mean air…and not her.

I started writing some ‘case studies’ to share with my students about perception. I asked a question on Facebook about misunderstandings, and one of the comments was from a woman who parks in Disabled Parking. Her mother is disabled but she has found herself getting stares from people that may not know that her mother is inside the store or not immediately next to her when she leaves the car. I have to wonder if I have ever given someone a judgemental look in the same situation because I was truly missing a piece of information.

Here is my first case study. I would love some feedback. Please let me know your thoughts.

The Parking Spot

Audrey

It had been a long day and her mother had only recently been released from the hospital. While she was able to walk with her walker, it seemed prudent to drop her off at the front of the store, and then pull into the parking space. Thank God, she thought, that a handicapped parking space was open. She didn’t want to leave her mother standing alone for very long.

She jumped out of the car and started moving quickly towards her mother. She noticed a man staring at her.

“Looks like your legs are working just fine,” he called out.

She started to respond but he turned quickly and walked away, leaving her feeling angry. You’re right, she thought, I can walk. My mother can’t and who the hell are you to judge me anyway? She stomped back up to her mother and did her best to let the situation go. Her mother needed her; there was no time to lick her wounds.

Bill

He didn’t like going to the store, but his wife had begged him. He couldn’t turn her down. He already had let her down enough. The depression made it difficult to keep a job since his discharge from the army. He always thought he would go career military. It wasn’t in the cards. He saw the depression in his family but never thought it would touch him. Now he couldn’t seem to be happy.

Man, why didn’t I lose a leg or something? he thought. And the guilt started immediately…what a stupid thought. He had a friend with a prosthetic leg. His thoughts felt like a betrayal of sorts. He glanced around at a woman parking in handicapped parking. He thought, Seriously? She’s running!

“Looks like your legs are working just fine,” he called out.

Crap, he thought, as he turned away. Forget it. What am I here for? Let me get the list and get the hell away from people. They just tick me off anyway.

With my students, this is where I will open discussion to get their perceptions of the story and ask about how easy it is to make judgments based on limited information.  I’d like to write a few more. Any suggestions?